Love.
I felt it was appropriate to post this on Valentine’s Day, because it speaks volumes about love. Not flowers and chocolates and sparkling rings and proposals, but true, enduring love that is looking into the future and wanting to always bring the best.
This is the story of Dana’s ring and Noah’s proposal.
In the beginning of 2016, Noah and Dana put in their applications for the summer rotation at Yellowstone National Park. They were both excited about it, the adventure and the experiences they hoped to share. One evening in April, Noah sat with me in the living room watching a movie when he said, “Hey Ma, I need to ask you a question. I really don’t know anything about rings and the quality of one other than the size, could you explain some of it to me or tell me where to go so I’m not getting snowed?”
I glanced over at him and trying not to show the reaction I was having inside, I asked tentatively, “What kind of a ring are we talking about here?” Noah could be like a skittish horse hearing a car backfire when it came to overly sentimental emotions and reactions. Too much gushing and he’d abandon both the conversation and the room.
Without moving his eyes from the television screen he answered, “An engagement ring.”
I exhaled slowly and began explaining to him cut, clarity and carat, places to go, options to be had, metal types and so forth. I asked, “Has Dana ever told you what she might like, or are you interested in an heirloom ring?”
He said, “Yes, she has told me what she likes and what she would want. I just need to figure out where to get it, the one that’s perfect for her and her ring size and how to pay for it. See, here’s what I’m thinking – If I can get it picked out now before we leave, I can make payments on it over the summer. Then have it shipped out to me in Yellowstone. Our anniversary is October 15th. That should be about our last weekend there. I figure by then we’ll have a spot. You know, like a summit or area we go to that’s special to us. I thought we could ride horseback up to the spot and then camp there for the evening. I can propose to her on that mountain, under those stars with that ring.”
Yer killin’ me kid.
No, he’s not romantic at all.
Still trying to keep control of my overwhelming desire to exclaim, “Aaaawwwwwwww, Noah that’s SO beautiful,” I calmly responded with, “That sounds really beautiful. She’ll probably love that. You know you don’t have to have the ring paid off to have it. You could put it on a credit card or the store will probably have credit terms. You could take it with you when you go.”
He quickly balked, “No, I don’t like credit. I want to have it paid in full and I don’t want to just go to one of those cookie-cutter stores where someone else could have possibly bought the same thing. I want it designed special for her. She’s one-of-a-kind, her ring should be too. It’s the promise of our lives together, I don’t want it to be like anyone else’s. It should be extraordinary and perfect for her.”
I gave him some suggestions of stores in the area that do custom designs and then he asked if I would go with him the day he could pick it out. He wanted me there to make sure he wasn’t being overcharged or to ask questions he may not think of, but the ring was all him and what he believed fit Dana’s wishes. On May 3rd, two days before they were to head out to Yellowstone, we went ring shopping. He found the place that would work with him and picked out a stone he felt was everything she had said she wanted. Two hours later we exited the shop with him having put the down payment on the ring, he walked to the end of the sidewalk and leaned over in the grass. He was bent at the waist and taking deep breaths, I patted him on the back and while laughing, asked, “Are you okay?”
Between breaths he answered, “I just put a down payment on an engagement ring. I think I’m going to throw up. That’s like a, permanent, forever, kinda moment.”
Forever.
That’s how he saw it. That’s how he believed marriage should be approached and revered. He was never looking for Ms. Right-now. When he was 16 he used to watch Bud and I, the way we were together, the way we talked, worked things out, laughed and loved. He would sometimes worry and ask, “What if I never find that. What if everyone I meet just doesn’t come close to that. How can I choose to be with someone if our relationship isn’t like that and I’m walking around knowing that’s what’s possible and it exists, but I don’t have it?”
I would tell him not to worry, he would know when he found the right one. It may be soon, or it may be when he was 40 or more, but he would know. Then, enter Dana.
Dana – They met at work when she was doing volunteer hours at Tenoroc in the pro-shop. Noah came home the first day she had been there and the first thing he said was, “Mom – I met the most beautiful girl today. She’s incredible!”
Then they had their first date, which wasn’t so much a date as it was two co-workers going to dinner after they closed up, but in truth, it was still a date. Noah rarely ever stayed out past 11pm without sending me a text just to give me a heads up so I wouldn’t worry about him. That night, nothing. Radio silence. It kept getting later, and later into early morning hours. Our phone plan has a GPS locator which I used that evening. His phone kept showing him sitting in an Olive Garden parking lot. I couldn’t decide if he lost his phone there or he had binged on the all-you-can-eat salad and breadsticks and was incapacitated, unable to drive. He texted around 1:30am and said, “So sorry, I’ll be home soon. No worries.”
When he came in all he said was, “I found her, Ma. I found the one.”
After they shut down the Olive Garden, they sat on the tailgate of his truck talking for hours, reluctant to leave each other’s company.
So the summer passed in Yellowstone and he made his payments on time. As a state employee with FWC, he had a pension plan. When he took his leave of absence to go to Yellowstone, he cashed it out and put it in his savings account with the intention of holding it for the summer to make sure he could pay for any emergency situations, but hopefully to use it to pay off the ring and have it sent out to him. Then her jeep, the vehicle in which they drove out there, had a mechanical issue that needed repair. Noah said he didn’t think it was right to ask Dana’s dad or us to pay for the repair when it was their idea to go out there. He felt they should be the ones to pay for it, so he used the pension money.
October was coming quickly and the week before their anniversary weekend, I called and asked him if he wanted me to go pick up the ring and ship it out. My parents had even offered to pay the balance so he could have his proposal weekend.
Noah declined. He said, “No, thank you though. I really appreciate it, but I’ve given this a lot of thought and I wanted to ask her dad permission first. I know that’s old school, but I think both she and he would appreciate it. I also don’t think I should do that over the phone. I want to marry the man’s daughter, I should ask him looking eye to eye. Also – I don’t want to propose to her with a ring that has a debt attached to it. When I give her the ring I want it to be mine to give, promising her a strong future together, not a promise of debt. I’ll come home, keep paying it off and I’ll figure out another amazing way to propose.”
They came home at the beginning of November in 2016. One month later, Bud’s dad, Noah’s Papa, passed away and Noah was devastated. He wasn’t in a place or mood to think about proposing. So he kept working and making his payments and planning their future. When I would ask about it, he would say, “Soon, but I have to make sure I’m a good enough man for her. I need to have everything in place so she knows I’ll always make sure everything is okay.”
One day in spring, he walked in the house with a gift bag from the jewelry shop and said, “Done. It’s paid for. It’s now mine to give. Would you please hide this in your room for me till I can plan the perfect way for her?”
I put the bag, unopened, on a shelf in my nightstand and there it sat till October 4th, 2017, the same day Noah was declared brain-dead with no hope of survival. It was late morning and the neurosurgeon sat with Bud and I in a room telling us that suddenly Noah’s brain was swelling and they were sending him for another CAT scan to check blood flow and response, but that it didn’t look good.
My world started spiraling from that point. I kept thinking about Dana. So sweet, so beautiful, so full of hope and promise, never leaving his side and with all his injuries, his head now shaved to stubble, tubes and gauze everywhere and every bone broken in his face, she still spoke to him like they were having a conversation, calling him, “Handsome,” as though it were his given name. I love her so much. No mother could ask for a better match for her son. I was and am so grateful that my son knew that love before he passed. So few people seem to get to experience it, but he did and what an extraordinary gift to have been blessed with for so young. My heart broke for her, I think more so than it did for me.
I walked back into Noah’s room alone and sat beside him with my hand in his. The readings had changed on his monitors to the numbers they said they didn’t want to see. The sound of the oxygen machine sucked in and out, breathing for him. The pumps administering doses of different medications hummed and buzzed beside me. I could hear muffled voices on the other side of the door speaking indiscernible words. Last moments…. “Are these my last moments with you,” was all I could think.
What was the last thing he said? What was the last thing I said to him that I know he heard?
Few people know, but I had a phone call with him approximately five to six minutes before his accident. Time stamp: 7:38pm, October 2nd, 2017. Phone call lasts :47 seconds. Forty-seven seconds. It doesn’t seem like much, does it? It went like this:
Noah: Hey Ma, if it wouldn’t hurt anyone’s feelings I’m going to go over to Dana’s grandmother’s house, okay? I want to see her Uncle Jay before he leaves for Tennessee and I want to get to see her tonight too.
Ma: Yeah, it’s okay, no one will mind. I understand. I know you gotta see her. (laughing)
Noah: Yeah. Okay, you’re sure no one will mind?
Ma: Yes I’m sure. Have fun and I’ll see ya later.
Noah: Thanks Ma. You know, I really do love her so much.
Ma: (laughing) Yes, I’m fully aware Son. Love YOU so much Snoop.
Noah: Love you too Ma.
That was it. Call ended. Love. That was the last thing he said, the last thing I said, and the last thing he said and thought about Dana. Love. He was hit by the other vehicle a few minutes later.
I asked aloud, “What do you want me to do Noey?” What if this is it? What if the test comes back and confirms their suspicions? I’m praying it doesn’t, but what if it does? What if this is all Dana has? Is this how it ends? She’s never going to know any moment with you here as her fiancé. She’ll never get to wear that ring you obsessed over with you still breathing and present and be able to touch you. She’ll know you planned to, but it just seems like too little too late. What do you want me to do?”
I left the hospital and drove home at mach speed to get the ring. I shoved the box in my pocket and sped back to the hospital. I would only take it out if was the worst case scenario. The tests came back and it was just that. This was the last good thing I could do for my son and Dana. It was the last part of him I had to give her. It was the only thing I could think of to do so she would always know we saw her as our daughter-in-law and loved her like our own. That we honored his choice and believed in them both. It was all I could give her – his promise of love, always and forever.
I asked Bud to find her family and to bring them all in Noah’s room with her. We stood on one side of the bed and she on the other. I began to fill in the back story of Noah’s plans and everything that happened. What he wanted to do, what she meant to him and his need to feel he was worthy and his desire for a promise of a strong future together. Then, I asked her father’s permission on behalf of our son. I took the little box out of my pocket, passed it over top of Noah and asked Dana if she would accept it as Noah’s promise of his love for her.
I hoped and prayed no one would be offended or think it wrong, but it just felt like the right thing to do for Noah and her. Neither of us expected her to wear it, but just to have it and know his intention. She put it on immediately, crying, saying, “Yes, of course, yes!”
In true Noah form, it was a perfect fit.
About a week after his funeral I was going through some things and began to piece together information from his emails and searches he had done. He was planning a weekend together on their anniversary October 15th, to propose. Had he been here and lived, 11 days later he would have proposed himself. We will never know what his plans were, but we made sure Dana knew how much he loved her.
Love.
It’s the greatest thing any of us have to give to anyone else. It should guide us always to give the best of ourselves. To be kind and generous in our actions and words, supportive, genuine, passionate, considerate and understanding. Accepting each other for who that person is, not who we want them to be or think they should be. Noah had a depth of love for Dana that he always wanted to make sure she was safe, protected, and provided for, even though he knew she was capable of doing so for herself. He was so very proud of her and honored to be with her. He thought the world of her and therefore wanted to give her the world.
To all people considering a life-long commitment to another – think of the person you are tying yourself to. Make certain that he or she loves you like Noah loves Dana and like she loves him, because I assure you, it was not one-sided. For every good and wonderful thing Noah wanted for Dana, she equally wanted for him. Proposals, marriage, relationships in general should never be about what the other person can give to you to make you feel special, but what you can bring to each other equally to build a phenomenal future together. – Lovingly, passionately and in great strength.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
~ Always and Forever, Noah’s Ma
